Lifestyle, Motherhood

To Filling Life’s Voids in 2020

January 1, 2020
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As a kid celebrating New Year’s Eve, I sat home in pjs with my fam. I watched the glamorous parties on tv, and wished to one day be a part of them. I longed to get dressed up, decked in jewels, and caked with makeup. I’ll never forget that feeling. That year I was with my family. My aunt and my cousins were visiting. It was the last New Years we spent with my aunt, who was like a second mother to me. She passed shortly after, from cancer. I wished that I had been even more grateful of those moments back then.

Years passed and I grew up. I moved to New York City and went to every fancy party I dreamt of. Yet through it all, each New Years Eve, I remembered that feeling. That aching. I longed to be with my aunt, with my family. It felt so far. I would have traded all of it, to take back a piece of time. Just a few moments.

Grant came along in my life, and we spent years ringing the New Year, and I hoped to be a part of his forever, until it finally happened and he proposed on New Year’s Eve, under the fireworks in Central Park. We got married soon after and I finally became his wife.

Time continued to pass, and I longed for a baby until I was pregnant the first time around. My world then turned upside down when we never had a chance to meet that baby. My heart ached and the tears rolled.

Until the very next New Years, where we were finally pregnant with London. I still felt nervous. I still felt anxious. I wanted him so badly. My point? My New Year’s and my life in general was always full of longing for something. A wish to fill a void. So much time I spent comforting the aching sorrows. Always wanting more. I used to be able to write you books. My words and pain often flowed freely from my heart until now.

Now I struggle to write, but now I breathe. Now I have London. I have Grant. I have my family. They are everything I’ve ever wanted in life. My heart feels insanely complete. Being a mother is NOT easy by any means, but London is my greatest gift, and being a mama brings me joy.

Tonight we dressed up. Me in sequins, and London in a baby tux. I explained New Years Eve to him. We did our 1st NYE photo shoot of 2020 as a family. From sequins, and quickly back to pjs, I sat rocking him to bed, listening to Auld Lang Syne together, as I watched his eyes sleepily close. Tears trickled down my cheeks. Happy ones. Grateful ones. In that moment, my past and my present collided. I was both the little girl from years ago, and the present, tired but loving mama in pjs, rocking her baby to sleep. I felt at peace, for the first time, in an incredibly long time. I longed for nothing else, and nothing more. I sat in that quiet moment. For years I always wanted more, until this one.

In this brand, shiny new decade, I wish for you, a year of love, a year of voids well filled, and a year of complete and utter happiness. It will happen. I promise it will happen. Appreciate the teeny tiny moments around you, for they will fill your heart. Cheers to 2020 my loves. As always, I’m grateful for your love and support. Thank for for sharing in our adventure. xx

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