It was just a few short months ago. My mind drifts back to dozens of blue and pink celebratory balloons, carried by my sister, as we set up to celebrate our most exciting news of a baby. I remember it as if were yesterday. My heart skipped a beat as we shared the news with the ones we love.
And today, the reality sets in. With sadness and shattered hearts, we share that we’ve lost our baby boy at 22 weeks. This is by far the most difficult news I’ve had to share, and the most challenging to write. Within a day, my hopes and dreams for our little one had turned into my greatest nightmare. There’s no sugar coating it. It was the worst day of our lives.
I imagined life with our little one…holding him in my arms, rocking him to sleep, watching him dream, and standing by his side, holding his tiny hand. I dreamt of teaching him about life, and watching the years pass as he would grow. I painted a perfect picture, that painfully will never be true.
My heart stings, and my belly is empty. There are no words, and no medicine to heal, but I know that time is on our side, and I’m hopeful that that are better days ahead. Through darkness, the sun will shine. I know that.
Someone explained this feeling as a giant splash in a calm pool of water. She compared the initial feeling of the loss to the great splash. The small, rippling effects of the water, are the painful, quiet days that follow.
I see it a bit differently. On a rainy, Friday morning, I took a walk/run around the park. As I looked outside, I realized that I probably needed an umbrella to shield the rain, and then decided against it. Rain can be beautiful, so why hide? I felt it. The raindrops on my face, as I placed one foot in front of the other. I stopped to sit in front of the pond near the boat house, and watched as raindrops made tiny ripples throughout the pond. One after another they fell, as tears streamed down my cheeks. I knew what those ripples were.
They weren’t symbolic of the pain. They were gentle and beautiful. To me, those ripples symbolize the ones we love, as they’ve lifted us from the darkness. One after another, without knowing the reason, they’ve reached out, with a helping hand, a tight hug, surrounding us with love, and mending our broken hearts. For that, we are forever grateful.
Just as the story started, now I’m given one single, blue balloon, and the arm of a good friend. I watched it slip from my hand, floating above the clouds to find it’s place in the sky, as I said goodbye to our baby boy.
To our sweet angel baby, although I will never hold you in my arms, I will keep you in my heart always. “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”
With all of the love in our hearts,
Your Mom and Dad