October 30th. It was my due date. A day that was supposed to bring me joy. In my mind, I would be holding a baby boy in my arms. October 30th. Now a day that I’ve been dreading, ever since my story changed. The pages turned faster than I could stop them, and the story abruptly ended. I won’t have the happily ever after that I spent my days dreaming of…yet.
I began the summer with a smile painted on my face, everywhere I went. My smile wasn’t real. Neither was my laugh. I felt daggers in my heart daily, but I moved forward with life regardless, because through the pain, life is still worth living. There is still good and sweetness to life, I believe that. I spent the last few months mustering up more strength and courage than I ever realized I had. When life turns upside down, do ever realize or give yourself credit for the incredible amount of strength you have? You will never realize until you are forced to pick yourself up…until you are pushed beyond your greatest limits.
Several months ago, I shared our story through a written blog post. I am not a person who shares easily. It’s a struggle and a fear of mine. Feeling vulnerable makes my stomach do back flips. As my finger clicked the screen to post, a wave of anxiety took me over. I was absolutely terrified. I had just shared my darkest story for the world to read. Would they feel sorry for me? Would they judge me? I was shaky, staying up until 3am with Grant, watching Moana under the covers, as I was panicking. It took everything in me to not hit delete. He calmed me. I wanted to throw up…honestly.
Through the pain, and the vulnerability, women came out of the woodwork, one by one. Friends, followers, and complete strangers shared their stories with me, through messages, texts, phone calls, as well as face to face. Many said they were too afraid to ever share, but this had given them hope. I wrote each of them back. The strength of these women! They surrounded me with their own secrets, their pain, and their courage. Each and every one of them. They had their own story. They held my hand and helped set me on the road to heal my heart.
Throughout the months, with one foot in front of the other, I got my life back. I still have my messy moments, but I finally feel like me again. When I smile, it’s real. When I listen to the sound of my own laughter, I feel grateful. As I glance around me and take a peek into each room of my life, I blessed beyond measure. My life is good. Really good.
October 30th, didn’t give me what I expected, but it sure as hell gave me more strength than I thought possible. Instead of picking out a costume for a newborn baby, I was left on another Halloween searching for a costume myself. It felt a little more like soul searching, honestly. I decked myself out in a Wonder Woman costume, because inside and out, I’ve felt super human. I’ve had to. I look forward to putting October 30th behind me, and moving past it with the speed of lightning.
What I’ve learned on this journey is to expect the unexpected. To roll with the punches. To lean on loved ones, because where on earth would I be without them? They’ve been my angels. I’ve learned not to fantasize, and paint perfect pictures of my life, because life just isn’t that way. I will keep writing the pages of my own story, because it’s so far from over, and I sure as hell will have my happily ever after. So will you.
With all of the strength and courage in the world, I wish for you, the super human powers of Wonder Woman. To the Wonder Women in my life, near and far, thank you for lifting me up, and cradling me in your arms as I healed. I am forever grateful. xx